this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
