FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
