So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
