so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
