I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
