she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
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