Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
