I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize