Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
