She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize