I didn't shave. On purpose
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
