I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
