I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
