i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
