if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
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