dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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