R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
