There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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