Umm I'm too high to move.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
