This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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