the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
