My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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