I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
