Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
