Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
