i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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