Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
