That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
