Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize