He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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