Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
