Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
