I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize