i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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