i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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