dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize