I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I could fuck to npr.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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