I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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