I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize