Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
