so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize