As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
