fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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