Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
