You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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