Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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