did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
