i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
