Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
