just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
