You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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