Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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