Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
