if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
