the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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