dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
