i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
