Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
