okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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